Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Transition to Motherhood..........and Beyond!

       
My husband and I were married for almost five years before we had children. Prior to starting our family, I would say that I was very much achievement driven, recognition focused, accomplishment oriented. I worked full time in public relations at Dallas Theological Seminary, and at the same time studied there and obtained a Master’s Degree in Biblical Studies. About the time of graduation, as we were getting ready to move to Oklahoma to serve at New Life Ranch,  my husband came to me and said he was ready to have a baby. I wasn’t so sure. I was scared. I had done a lot of babysitting growing up and worked as a camp counselor, but I didn’t know if I wanted my OWN children. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them? What if I’m not a good mother? What if they like my husband more than they like me?

Well the Lord has a sense of humor about our fears and my indecisiveness, and by the time we moved up here to New Life Ranch I was pregnant. But God was faithful and used the hormones of pregnancy and some incredible authors who wrote some things about bonding with your baby to change my heart. I fell in love. I couldn’t WAIT for my baby to be born. When she arrived I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the miracle of life, by God’s incredible gift he had given us, by the love that I had for her and the joy that filled my heart.
At the same time, I was also overwhelmed in some not so fun ways. I was unprepared for the physical exhaustion that came with motherhood, the sleep deprivation that caused much of it, and the constant neediness of my baby. I wasn’t desperate. I was just taken by surprise and a little unprepared for it all. I also felt the need to read parenting books constantly. I had no idea what I was doing! I wanted to be the perfect mother for this perfect child. I didn’t know how to be that and I was looking for answers.
In lots of ways, here is where Mothering Matters came in. Mothering Matters is a ministry to young mom that is held at our church. I came to this ministry where there were other mom’s like me facing the same fears, the same struggles, the same issues. And we pitied each other! But there were also some moms there who were just a few steps ahead of me. Their kids were a bit older than mine. They had a few more children than me. They had survived it! They had answers! They were the pros I looked up to and learned from.
 I remember our daughter, Anna, had the worst time sleeping at night because at a year old, she still would wake up several times during the night just needing her pacifier to go back to sleep. It got so bad at one point we tried just filling her crib with pacifiers, hoping that she would find one without our help and go back to sleep! I remember praying please please Lord help her find just one of them and go back to sleep without me! We have this picture of her in the morning in her crib with one paci in her mouth, one in her hand and the other trying to stick on in her ear!  I was telling this struggle one time to my small group and one of the other moms looked at me and said, “I just let them sleep with the paci clip on at night.” It was like a light came on. I can do that??? We tried it and it worked! Amazing.
Time management was something I also really needed to learn. I remember my first day home on my own after having my second child. My husband came home that night and asked how it went. I said, “Well, they are clean, and they are fed and besides that I don’t know how I will EVER accomplish ANYTHING else in my days now!” I eventually learned from some other moms that it was okay to train my toddler to play for 20 minutes alone while I cleaned up the dishes once in a while! I didn’t know I could do that!
I think it’s great for us to look at our lives as mothers in terms of seasons. There is a season of mothering young children. I recently looked back and all of a sudden realized, “Hey, I am not in that season anymore.”  I actually get to sleep most nights through the night ALL night long! I think it was probably about two years after my last child was born that it suddenly dawned on me that after almost 9 years of sleep deprivation, I was finally sleeping through the night again! We’re out of diapers now. Hooray! There were days I thought this would never happen. One of my children took two YEARS to potty train! I don’t have toddlers pulling at my legs constantly or little ones I have to watch constantly to be sure they don’t stick their finger in an electrical socket. I tell you this because while I was going through it I thought it would never end. But it does. My youngest is 5 now. My season is changing.
Looking back, I know I struggled, a lot, through those years, but I also look on those years with little regrets. I know that I cherished my children. Even when I didn't feel like this was true, I trusted in the promise of God that children are a blessing from him. Times spent rocking a baby back to sleep, pushing a child in a swing, or reading them a story is never wasted. Comforting a sick child or one who has had a bad dream during the middle of the night are great privileges. Children are a blessing and the years when they are young can be filled with precious times of love, laughter, and cuddling. 
I'm in transition again. My children are all school age now. They don't need my constant supervision and yet they need me in different ways. I'm still figuring it all out my exact role in this new season. Two of my children are in public school. I have three at home that I teach. Figuring out the needs of each individual child and my role in meeting those needs as well as facilitating their independence is a new challenge almost daily! As I doubt my own abilities at times in this new season, I am reminded of the faithfulness of God to accomplish His purposes in my own and my children's lives in Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."