My husband and I were married for almost five
years before we had children. Prior to starting our family, I would say that I
was very much achievement driven, recognition focused, accomplishment oriented.
I worked full time in public relations at Dallas Theological Seminary, and at
the same time studied there and obtained a Master’s Degree in Biblical Studies.
About the time of graduation, as we were getting ready to move to Oklahoma to
serve at New Life Ranch, my husband came to me and said he was ready to
have a baby. I wasn’t so sure. I was scared. I had done a lot of babysitting
growing up and worked as a camp counselor, but I didn’t know if I wanted my OWN
children. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them? What if I’m
not a good mother? What if they like my husband more than they like me?
Well the Lord has a sense of humor
about our fears and my indecisiveness, and by the time we moved up here to New
Life Ranch I was pregnant. But God was faithful and used the hormones of
pregnancy and some incredible authors who wrote some things about bonding with
your baby to change my heart. I fell in love. I couldn’t WAIT for my baby to be
born. When she arrived I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the miracle of life,
by God’s incredible gift he had given us, by the love that I had for her and
the joy that filled my heart.
At the same time, I was also
overwhelmed in some not so fun ways. I was unprepared for the physical
exhaustion that came with motherhood, the sleep deprivation that caused much of
it, and the constant neediness of my baby. I wasn’t desperate. I was just taken
by surprise and a little unprepared for it all. I also felt the need to read
parenting books constantly. I had no idea what I was doing! I wanted to be the
perfect mother for this perfect child. I didn’t know how to be that and I was
looking for answers.
In lots of ways, here is where
Mothering Matters came in. Mothering Matters is a ministry to young mom that is held at our church. I came to this ministry where there were other mom’s
like me facing the same fears, the same struggles, the same issues. And we
pitied each other! But there were also some moms there who were just a few steps
ahead of me. Their kids were a bit older than mine. They had a few more
children than me. They had survived it! They had answers! They were the pros I
looked up to and learned from.
I remember our daughter, Anna, had the worst time
sleeping at night because at a year old, she still would wake up several times
during the night just needing her pacifier to go back to sleep. It got so bad
at one point we tried just filling her crib with pacifiers, hoping that she
would find one without our help and go back to sleep! I remember praying please
please Lord help her find just one of them and go back to sleep without me! We
have this picture of her in the morning in her crib with one paci in her mouth,
one in her hand and the other trying to stick on in her ear! I was telling this struggle one time to my small group and one of the other moms looked at me and said, “I just let them sleep with the paci
clip on at night.” It was like a light came on. I can do that??? We tried it
and it worked! Amazing.
Time management was something I also
really needed to learn. I remember my first day home on my own after having my
second child. My husband came home that night and asked how it went. I said,
“Well, they are clean, and they are fed and besides that I don’t know how I
will EVER accomplish ANYTHING else in my days now!” I eventually learned from
some other moms that it was okay to train my toddler to play for 20
minutes alone while I cleaned up the dishes once in a while! I didn’t know I
could do that!
I think it’s great for us to look
at our lives as mothers in terms of seasons. There is a season of
mothering young children. I recently looked back and all of a sudden realized,
“Hey, I am not in that season anymore.”
I actually get to sleep most nights through the night ALL night long! I
think it was probably about two years after my last child was born that it
suddenly dawned on me that after almost 9 years of sleep deprivation, I was
finally sleeping through the night again! We’re out of diapers now. Hooray!
There were days I thought this would never happen. One of my children took two
YEARS to potty train! I don’t have toddlers pulling at my legs constantly or
little ones I have to watch constantly to be sure they don’t stick their finger
in an electrical socket. I tell you this because while I was going through it I
thought it would never end. But it does. My youngest is 5 now. My season is
changing.
Looking back, I know I struggled, a
lot, through those years, but I also look on those years with little regrets. I know that I cherished my children. Even when I didn't feel like this was true, I trusted in the promise of God that children are a blessing from him. Times spent rocking a baby back to sleep, pushing a child in a swing, or reading them a story is never wasted. Comforting a sick child or one who has had a bad dream during the middle of the night are great privileges. Children are a blessing and the years when they are young can be filled with precious times of love, laughter, and cuddling.
I'm in transition again. My children are all school age now. They don't need my constant supervision and yet they need me in different ways. I'm still figuring it all out my exact role in this new season. Two of my children are in public school. I have three at home that I teach. Figuring out the needs of each individual child and my role in meeting those needs as well as facilitating their independence is a new challenge almost daily! As I doubt my own abilities at times in this new season, I am reminded of the faithfulness of God to accomplish His purposes in my own and my children's lives in Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."
